Where's My Worth

Each human in one way or another measures his or her life in a way suitable to their own value system. For some it is success in money or career, volunteer work, or ministries. For others it is relationships, or their personal knowledge or spirituality. But no matter what it is, it is a part of all of us. The problem is, what happens when that one thing that you put your personal value in is no longer a part of your life? Recently I have noticed just what extent this underlying measuring system of mine truly influences me.

                Spencer and I spent a week with our dear friend Rollo in London meeting his friends and family, worshiping in the living room and reminiscing Mozambique. We then moved to the other side of the city to join our friends Dan and Lisa for the week. Dan and Lisa are a part of a large church and they dedicate almost every day of their week to church events, small groups, services, and tons of just hanging out and Spence and I loved joining in on the craziness.  Lisa, my very good friend and housemate from Mozambique is what I proclaimed to Spencer as my “Will Reagan.” You know how you have those friends that just turn you into a goofy fool? Well that is exactly what I’m talking about. Dan and Spencer were also great friends in Mozambique. So for the four of us to now be together and married, was something so unique and special. 

We then went up north a bit to Peterborough, England where the famous Mandy Shutt greeted us with excited, sweep you off your feet, open arms. Mandy’s friends are just as inviting as she is and we were invited to have the kid treatment for the day at an all included fun fair with free food, drink and endless carnival rides. We fully enjoyed our days of laughter and craziness and our nights of “Bondi Rescue” with Mandy and company. However we did come into Mandy’s life at a bit of an intense time so we also spent a good chunk of time praying for Mandy’s two year old nephew who is sick with Leukemia. (So hint hint once you read this you should pray for his healing too.)

After Peterborough we took a bus to Llandudno, Wales. A week with Sarah Barbutti was royal treatment for sure. A small quiet seaside town left nothing more than walking along the beach and climbing up big hills. It was a week of relaxation for Spencer and I, while Sarah still had a life of hanging out with teenagers, work, and reaching out to the women of her church.

A common thread for all of these friends and not unlike us, is that people are a large part of their focus in life. So… were does that leave two wondering travelers who cannot be daily committed to anyone but each other? For me it left me feeling like a stagnant pond instead of a flowing river. Yes we are learning to love and care for one another as best we can but it just doesn’t seem to fill my quota for success in life.

 Yet, my value system doesn’t really match up with the value system of the God who created me. God is complete and fully satisfied and created me purely for the enjoyment of a relationship with me. My value does not change based on how well I am doing at my job, or if I even have a job. My worth to him as a daughter has nothing to do with how successful my ministry is going or how spiritual I am. It is us not him who likes labels on “what we are doing with our lives.” It is us who enjoy having something spectacular to tell people when they ask. And so the lesson I’m still currently learning is to embrace being loved unconditionally. It is never God who loves us less based on what we do or don’t do, it is always our ability to receive His love that changes. So let go of how you value your life and let God cram more love into you.

Overwallop

From a small table in a quiet English countryside garden I sit drinking my tea and reminisce. Was it really only 3 days ago that I was sweating in the hot sun of Costa Rica? Spencer and I have a passion for travel but I would say we like the being somewhere different better than the actual traveling. A taxi, a bus, a ferry, another bus, another taxis, and yet another bus brought us to a plane. From San Jose, Costa Rica to London, England was long.

 In a daze it was a miracle that Spencer and I made it without a hitch to Westminster. As we came up from the underground train I felt my eyes were playing some kind of trick on me as I looked straight at Big Ben. We found our dear friend Rollo who we spent a solid 3 months with in Mozambique, Africa and toured around Parliament. Rollo works in Parliament and so we got to put our luggage in his office while he showed us around. We then boarded a train to Overwallop. We arrived an hour later at Rollo’s parents beautiful home and I was handed a Pimm’s (a local favorite lemony gin drink.) and a magazine about the Royal wedding and went upstairs to have a nice hot bath. It had been a month since I had felt hot water come out of a faucet and I fully soaked it up. ;)  Rollo’s mum made a wonderful stew and an absolutely incredible chocolate mousse. Yet after 30 hours of no sleep, and a series of traveling exasperations, a big bed with a large down comforter was the last thing on my secret list that I was desperately wanting, I fell into that desire and slept a solid 14 hours. 

Safety in Danger

Yesterday, from a creaking chair in the stuffy office of what Tito considers the Costa Rican FBI my wife and I searched our memory for as much detail as we could about two days earlier, June 6^th. Our intention for the day was to visit Tito and Donna, pick their brains about rumors we’d heard of waterfalls and zip lines, then make our way into town. From our house Montezuma is a 30 min walk and frugality always gets the best of us so instead of throwing ₵2500 colones to a cab we walk. We needed to find internet, drop in the book store to replace my recently finished book, and to get 2 weeks of groceries. I load up my pack, look up at the sky and…downpour. It’s entering the rainy season and the past two days were more rain than I’ve seen in a long time and today was no different. So Mel grabs our raincoats, I throw on the pack cover and at the next break we were off.

With the rain we decide to skip Tito and Donna’s and make it 10 min toward Montezuma when a red ATV flies by us, does a 180 and races back stopping at someone we’d passed walking the other direction. Sure it was odd, but maybe he knew the guy. A couple minutes later the same guy flies by us again and does another U-turn. “I think this guy is confused”. Stopping in front of us he steps off the quad,

“Hey man, give me all your ≠€∞±@!”

“What?”

He pulls a loaded 380 from his pocket and with one in the chamber points it at my chest.

“Give me all your Ф$%#µ&! stuff!”

Andres is slim, dark toned in his 40’s with long wavy jet black hair and a good heart corrupted by a coke addiction. Looking in his now vacant eyes my mind races. Recalling the words of some missionary friends, the Wilcox family, who were held at gun point in their house disarmed two robbers using nothing but the name of Jesus. Feeling the need to do something myself I stare at his gun remembering the teaching of a close friend. Highly trained in Ishin Ryu, Taylor Hauser showed me how to disarm a man without touching the weapon. Having only practiced using a stick in his living room I decided against it. There was an unusual peace in Melody and myself that he was not a killer and seeing we were not intimidated by the gun he put it back in his pocket. A quick blow to my face let me know he was in a hurry. Tying to stall I reach in the top of my pack and give him a small bill. Unsatisfied he grabs for the pack but I hold him off, this pack is not coming off my back. Angry, I get another blow and a threat to be thrown down the hill behind me. His presence was nervous and his hand shaky. I am not a small guy who also knows how to use his weight and strength. Seeing his uncertainty in himself there was no doubt I could take him. “What if I throw you down the hill and take off on your quad”, I thought. But what if Melody panics and doesn’t come, or I can’t work the ATV. He reaches for the pack again and I step away. Angrily, he pulls out a knife and demands money. Still stalling I reach in the pack over my head, fumbling around until my hands find my much larger knife. In my many conversations with John Bush about self defense I’ve found no way around knowing if the highest stakes were one of us dying, the worst outcome is my hand deciding another’s eternity. I dropped the knife. Amidst all this my wonderful wife is seeking help from God and starts to say “Jesus” out loud.

Andres says “yes, Jesus I like him too, that’s why I don’t want to hurt you”

Melody tries to talk to him but he continues to ignore her, which was a big relief to me. A van drives by, finally! Andres warns me not to say anything as he hides his knife. I start walking toward the van, but realize I’ve left Melody beside him and instead I just look at the driver hoping someone realizes the distress as they drive on by. Andres comes back at me and hits me again. All my stalling is pushing his patience and in a final tussle he puts the knife to my neck, reaches in the pack and taking my wallet heads for the ATV. Something nearing relief almost came over me, but I had everything in that wallet and we’re not coming home next week. Walking toward him I tell him, “you don’t need my cards man”. Imagine that, it worked! He took the money, threw back my wallet and with a threat sped off leaving my pack with our camera, ipod and computer. The rest of the walk was quiet.

The police here are near useless, and since it was 1 PM on a Tuesday they were closed anyway, so we got what we needed in town and started our walk home. It was raining and we didn’t feel like walking back but the ATM was down so we had no cash for a taxi. The way home was equally as quiet.

Not even going inside I tossed down my pack and went down to the beach. It was one of those times where I needed to be surrounded by God, so I sat on the beach with my wife and let the waves rush over me. Melody sat wondering why we didn’t see God show up as she sought Him. I was heavy burdened. My heart cried out “where is the redemption in this?!” I could not be angry at Him but I know my God works all things for good and I saw no redemption in this. As I drug my heavy hand through the sand each wave erased every stroke I made. He told me how, if I let Him have it, wash over and cover me with His presence, He makes all things like they never happened.

Later that night I was forced to deal with my biggest fear. As we prayed together my mind wondered over the day replaying different scenarios that could’ve happened. I crossed the thought if something went wrong causing me to lose Melody, and I broke down. Tears streaming down my face I knew as I held her I could not protect her. This woman who is more important to me than anyone I’ve ever known, who I’ve based my life around, who God ripped open my heart for when it was so hard, I could not bare it! I wept as I gave my wife over to God, asking Him to take her with the assurance He’d protect her. “I’ve got her”, He promised. She was His first. We asked God to take us into darkness if it would help and no matter where we go I have the assurance He has us, He’s with us. And even when I don’t see it He is always faithful, redemption is always coming, I cry for it.

A New Life

As I lay in a hammock on our front porch listening to howler monkeys and exotic birds, my mind struggles to remember what day it is and how long we have been here. It’s amazing that a life so drastically different than any life we have ever known before could seem so normal. Each morning I wake up next to the love of my life, we make a cup of Montana coffee, and we walk through a Costa Rican jungle for a whole two minutes before we are on the edge of a private black sand beach. After our morning yoga session, we cannot help but meditate on what a great Poppa God we have for bringing us to such a beautiful place.
Life here is simple and peaceful. It feels as if there is no one for miles and yet we walk for 30 minutes and are in Montezuma. There we submerge ourselves back into the world just long enough to buy our groceries so we can retreat once again. It is such a beautiful thing to have a month to only concern yourself with serving one other person. It is so freeing to let down all walls that were built to protect you from people before and embrace a life where two people are learning to become one.

Married at Last

By the Aspen arch my brothers stand at my side reminding me of three worlds I journeyed through to get to this point, my God in the wind at my back telling me how proud of me He is, and my bride walking down the long dirt isle easily breaking the foolish idea I lost my emotion for the day. The late spring sun broke through in just the right time to push aside the rainy clouds to bring a little color to the earth.
It was now so clear to me how the bible could say I’ve received salvation in one place and how it’s coming to me in another; how the church is married to God in one spot and how He’s coming for her in another. Before now I had already fallen in love and married her in my heart, and our relationship was like that of a married couple (minus a few aspects). To me we were married but there was still a deeper level we could go. The rings and dress are bought and everyone is waiting for the bride to enter. But there is still a long walk to get to our bridegroom, and it may not be the cleanest way there but you don’t care at this point. All you see is what’s in front of you because no matter where you go the sun breaks out just in time. And in the end who cares if the dress gets a little dirty, it’s gonna come off anyway.

Provision

Someone once described provision to me as being Pro your Vision. When Spencer and I first got engaged we began to dream of traveling to Africa and beyond after our wedding. Yet we didn’t have the money for a wedding or travel. When I though about how all this really was God’s idea I thought of it as if Bill Gates asked me to dinner. I know he would not then look to me at the end of the meal and expect me to pay. Therefore if it was God’s idea for Spencer and I to get married and it was His idea for us to go to the mission field following, and it was His idea to share our wedding with all those we love, then He will pay the bill. It is such an honoring thought to think that the God who created the universe and beyond cares about my vision enough to completely provide for it.
The interesting thing about this all is that God is the creator and if He does everything the way I think He is going to then it is not very creative. So, He doesn’t. Instead He moves in ways to teach us more about His nature and His incredible love. God loves me. He takes the role of my Dad and cares about what I care about and will do anything in His power to support my dreams. And to show me what a good Dad He really is, He has been using our earthly parents to make our dreams come true. Spencer and I have absolutely amazing parents who love their kids in such a tangible way that everyone can see how deep their love runs. They have joined this celebration by giving Spencer and I a wedding far more than we could have dreamed up.
Now there are a million and a half stories that I could tell about this whole provision thing but I’m just going to tell just one…. The wedding dress.

My mom in law and sister in law took me out back in January to go hunting for something to wear on the day that I am forever joined to the love of my life. As we went into the first bridal boutique a mixture of emotion was stirring in my stomach. At this point I have been in a relationship with Spencer for just barely 3 months, I am hanging out with his mom and sister for the first time, I have no idea how Spencer and I are going to pay for a wedding, let alone a dress, and I just moved over 2,000 miles away from home, friends and family.
So Patty, my mom in law and Abby, my sister in law and I begin by looking through hundreds of dresses. Praise God we all have very similar taste and Patty ended up showing me a dress that I might have drooled over a little. I tried on a series of dresses making sure I saved this particular dress for last. Well once I tried it one it was unanimous. This was the perfect dress. While in the dressing room I glanced at the price tag and knew that there was no way in heaven or hell I was gonna be able to get that dress. So I told myself that there would be something else and this was only the first boutique. Patty, Abby and I enjoyed lunch together and then headed to our next appointment and once that dress was in all of our heads there was nothing that I even wanted to try on.
The 3 of us girls laughed and had a wonderful day together and I went home loving my new family and at the same time feeling totally hopeless about finding a dress that I could afford. So I began to look online to find “my dress” at a cheaper price. And I found it! I found the exact same dress, same picture, same designer, same design for a crazy cheap price. I thought “this is provision! God is giving me the dress I love!”
So I took a risk and ordered my dress online. It arrived almost 3 months later and Patty called me up to tell me the good news. Spencer and I went over to the Ratliff house a few days later and I opened this crazy small packed dress alone in Patty’s room to discover I had been cheated and lied to. The bad dreams I had been having for the last 3 months all came true as I sat staring at an ugly knock off that looked nothing like the dress I believed I ordered. I wiped away my tears as best I could and came into the kitchen to try and calmly tell Patty the bad news. I didn’t have to say anything for her to know there was a problem and being the super mom she is she stated confidently, “I will fix this.”
My creative way for God to give me the dress I really loved was to find the same dress for cheaper online. Well that was not God. ‘Cause He only gives good gifts so now what? I kept hearing the lie in my head of “I can’t have such an expensive dress, that is selfish, and too much to spend on me.” Well Patty refused to let me believe those lies and got me the dress of my dreams from the boutique and it arrived only 3 weeks after being ordered.
Spencer and I began to recognize we believed the lies that we cannot have nice things. We don’t deserve or measure up to having good things. Well God was not very happy with His kids believing that they are poor beggars when in fact they are royalty. So He keeps giving us nice things and we keep learning how to receive them.

A Deamer's Vision

Well, it's now 74 days until I'm married. I've got this scared excitement on my chest as I move into something I know was meant for me. It's not a fear...more of a boyish wonder, I'd say. As a little kid exploring the forest behind my house, I'd be filled with anticipation leaving the protection of my parents, but still drawn deeper into a world I was not familiar with. And in 74 days I'm stepping out of comfort and familiarity into a total dependence on Jesus. This is a journey leaning on His promise for a life abundantly. A life abandoned to the pursuit of finding God's heart, learning how to love my fiance from a perfect love that comes from His heart, and to uncover the beauty and hope hidden in every area on this planet. A life like that brings a freedom few experience. I don't want to be naive or play the role of the ignorant, young romantic, but there has to be more than what I see in the usual life. I'd be depressed if I couldn't hope for more. And my new travel buddy gives me hope to see the world I've longed to see. You wont see any masks here, none of that sugar coated fake crap. But as best as Melody and I can articulate, we hope to show the reality of two dreamers learning to love each other more, the love God has for His kids all over, and what can happen when the world encounters a love it has not known. Part of me says this is crazy and too much, but the larger part of me has already stepped over the edge. Now a momentum has started that will only snowball, and there's no place I'd rather be.